Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Load of the Rings: Return of the Ring

Middle Earth - Mordor is a vast land which lies flat to the right of Gondor which is surrounded
by a vast sea on one side and by the giant mountain ranges of Balindor on the other side, to
the right of which lay Isildor which covers nearly a quarter of the land masses in Minas
Morgul which was ...
Tolkien: Cut the crap!
Madman: Okay! So there's this master ring that the ex-evil gang lord Sauron seeks, that which came
to Smeagol/Gollum (the double brainer) and then to Fraudo Baggins via Bilbo ... you know
the story. But this one has a quicker ending (haha).
The three of them - Fraudo, Sam and Smeagol began the 40,000 foot climb to Mordor a
few months back .. they're nearing the top now. Smeagol is slightly ahead of the other two
leading the way.
Gollum: We wants it. We needs it. Must have the preciouss!
Smeagol: (whispers) Keep it quites or I'll kicks your **s all the ways to tops!
Fraudo: I'll kill that old fool the moment I set my foot back on ground. He said the climb would be
cakewalk with this stupid ring on my neck.
Sam: (dragging along) Yeah, we've been like cake walking for ages
Fraudo: Anyway let's take a quick nap before we eat. Have you got anything to eat?
Sam: Wait a minute ... I think I have some ... here
Fraudo: What's this? Lemba's bread?
Sam: No it's mine!
Fraudo: Lemba's is the manufacturer fool. Anyway let's eat it afterwards!
They take a short nap. Meanwhile Smeagol sneaks in and eats up as much bread as he could
from Sam's bag. He throws the rest of the bread to the bottom of the mountain. A few hours
later the duo wakes up and prepares to eat.
Sam: It's gone! the bread!
What? That's all we had left!
Sam: (pointing to Gollum) He took it!
Smeagol: I did not!
Sam: You did it!
Gollum: We did not!
Sam: Did too!
Gollum: Did not!!
Sam: Did too!!!
Gollum: Burp! (a piece of bread flies from his mouth to Sam's face)
Sam: (pointing) Seee!
Gollum: (pointing at Sam) Ssee!!
Fraudo: I see the bread on your nose Sam, how can you do this to me?
Sam: What? Me? It just came flying from his mouth!
Smeagol: Poor smeagol thoughts bread crumbs don't flys ...
Fraudo: Excellent Smeagol! That's it. Give up Sam.
Sam throws himself at Gollum punching him.
Sam: You stinking two faced ..
Gollum: Bad fatso ...
Fraudo: Filthy Sam ... Smeagol, give him one on the face and I'll give you this ring!
Sauron: (in the ring) Not him! Not him! He smells like fish!
Smeagol: Myyy preccciou (Wham! Sam hits him on the face)
Fraudo: Move back you ... you ... (Wham! Sam hits Fraudo square on the nose)
Fraudo: Howf dare you hit me? ... I'll tell Gandalf!
Sam goes completely crazy. He lifts Fraudo up in the air and throws him down the cliff.
Sam: (calling out) Tell Gandalf that I gave you a lift to the ground floor!
Gollum: Thieves, thieves ... We needs the precious.
Sam: Then you go with him. Off you go! (Sam lifts him and throws him down as well)
Gollum: Whoaaa preciouuussss .......... thud!
Fraudo: (lying with a broken leg down far below) Hey Sam ... I see the bread!
Sam: (calls out from up above) You see the dead? That's what you get if you start a fight with
Samwise Gamgee. You deserve it!
Gollum: (lying beside Fraudo) We ... wants it .
Fraudo: Poor fella. Here you go. Take this bread. You can have all of it. I don't mind at all.
Sauron: (in the ring) Oh great! and I thought the trip to Mordor would be a lot easier if I take this
hobbit instead of that old wizard! I deserve it! .... damn! I can't even slap my fore head in this
The End.

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