Sunday, April 1, 2012

Ceaser and Maksimus

Caesar Commodus along with his trusted lieutenant Gaius  is hosting games in the 
grandest arena of all: the Colosseum to entertain people. But Rome's fate is going down
the spiral by the minute.

"Today we shall recreate the battle of Carthage. On my left, led by the Spaniard -
"The Gladiators" and coming through the gates to decimate them - "Africanus"!

Crowd breaks into an applause and cheers "Spaniard ... Spaniard ... Spaniard"

Caesar Commodus is watching eagerly: "Africanus are expected to rock isn't it?"
Gaius: Yes my lord.
Commodus: They're from my new praetorian army right? Are they of any harm to us?
Gaius: Do not worry emperor. They're taught to fear your name. They shall stand up and hail
Caesar the moment they hear the name.
Ah that's good!

Down in the arena:
Maksimus (a.k.a) Spaniard: Whatever comes through that gate we stand our ground!
Juba: I shall think about that after seeing the thing.
Praetorian Guard: Open the gate!!

The 2nd Guard opens the gate... an old man is standing there calling out loud: 
"Whoever buys this goat gets the hen for free!"
1st Guard: Thats the Exit gate you fool... open the other gate!
2nd Guard: Sorry my mistake, my mistake! (Opens the other gate)

A chariot with 2 archers and a rider comes pacing down the track.
Archer: (with the bow in his hands) How do you operate this thing??
Rider: Place the arrow and pull it backwards

Archer: Okay it broke. Now what?
Rider: I meant pull the string! Not the bow!
Maksimus: (to one of the gladiators) You, yes you fat guy. Go and tell them some story and
get them around that bend. We shall set a trap there.
Fat guy: Why me?
Maksimus: They can't miss you among the crowd. We have to destroy the chariot at any cost.
Fat guy: Why is it always me? What shall I tell? I don't think they'll listen to me.
Juba: Tell the rider that his mother is sick and wants him immediately in the sanctuary.

After a short while ...
Rider: Oh lord what is that? They have placed a boulder in the way.

Archer: That is some fatso sitting there. Turn the chariot the other way.

The chariot turns hard but collides with the fat guy and falls on to one side.
All 3 of them are thrown out from the cart and knocked out cold.

Fat guy: Hey I wanted to tell you something ... your mother is seriously ill.

The fallen Archer grunts ...
Fat guy: (shaking the faller archer) Hey you .. I'm talking to you. Your mother is seriously ill.
She want to see you immediately. Shall I carry you there?

Maksimus and his companions jump in. Juba goes for the Archers.
Maksimus: Leave them there. Destroy the chariot.
Juba: But there's no one the chariot.
Maksimus: Stick to the plan. We have to destroy the chariot.
Juba: But ..
Maksimus: No more questions...
Fat guy: (sobbing) The poor guy's mother is sick and he cannot move a bit.
Juba: (thinks) Why do I always end up with idiots around me?

Crowd is cheering with all their might ... "Spaniard ... Spaniard"

They demolish the chariot and emerge as the winners. Commodus decides to pay a visit to the
brave Spaniard. He comes down to the arena surrounded by Praetorian Army. Meanwhile
Maksimus is busy collecting the helmets and jewellery from the fallen warriors. He does not
see all the fuzz and Commodus coming up behind him.

Commodus: Gladiator. Show me your face!
Maksimus: One second. I am kinda busy right now.
Commodus: How dare you show your back to me? You shall remove the helmet and tell me your name!

Maksimus frustrated rises up slowly and turns around ... (Hans Zimmer starts the music)

My name is Maksimus Decimus Julius Augustus ... forget it, it's a long one ... Commander of
the Armies of the North. General of the Felix Legions. Loyal servant to the true Emperor.
Father to a murdered hen. Husband to a hundred wives - and I will have my blunders this way
or that way! (and thinks) "What am I saying?"
Commodus: I shall call you Max for short. I might not be the true Emperor. But you must show your loyalty
to me.

Suddenly a plan suddenly strikes in Maksimus' head.
Maksimus: (to the praetorians) He is not your emperor. He's a fake!
Praetorians: You are lying!
2nd Praetorian: (whispers) But he just said he is not the true emperor.
1st Praetorian: Sire. Are you not truly our emperor?
Commodus: Fools. Do not listen to him. I said I am not the true emperor but I am the emperor which is true.
Maksimus: Prove it!

Praetorians are confused.

Commodus gets frustrated. "I am Commodus Caesar and I have my Olive crown. 
Isn't that good enough?"
Praetorians: Hail Caesar!
Maksimus: I do not believe you. I can get this crown from that old man outside for 10 goats. If you are
the real one the spell 'Caesar' for me!
Commodus: Er.. there is a Z ... then there is a J ... or was that a C?
Maksimus: (to the praetorians) Haha ... I told you he's a fake.

The praetorians turn to Commodus in anger.
Commodus: (out thinks all of them) I am the boss and I shall call myself 'GUS' from now on. I can spell
that ... "G-U-S"
Maksimus: That's it. He's "GUS" as he says. Then I shall call myself as "Caesar" from now on.
Praetorians: Hail Caesar!
Commodus: What the ..?
Maksimus: Take him in.

Commodus is standing there bewildered:  "From where did I recruit these dumbheads"
Gaius: (calls out from the stands) You did not. I did. They were the best available out there you
 fake piece of crap.

Praetorians take Commodus into the prison. Crowd is cheering on ... "Maksimus the 
merciful ... Maksimus ... Maksimus"
Juba: Nice plan man! Do you know how to spell Caesar?
Maksimus: Yups. It's S-E-A-C-A-R.
Juba: Isn't that 'Seeker'?
Maksimus: Is it? Who cares?

Maksimus addresses all the people of Rome.

"Dear fellow country men ... From today onwards Rome shall be a freak ... um free 
nation. Anyone can roam around Rome freely. Who am I? 
I am Maksimum Decimat... whatever... and I shall have my vengeance - in this life or
the next!"

The End.

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